


Not Quite Lonely

by EKBORANEI



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Jinseob, M/M, Making Up, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Romance, also me: (makes myself cry), me: is the "jin" of "jinseob" really as invested as the other?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 08:04:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11309184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EKBORANEI/pseuds/EKBORANEI
Summary: (mostly through Lee Euiwoong's perspective) this is a prolonged account of Ahn Hyeongseob’s love for Park Woojin.





	1. Prologue

The ballpoint pen encased in a thin plastic container was considered to be one of Hyeongseob’s most beloved possessions, by the boy himself and those who knew him well. It was a black pen with a gold trim, glossy looking, while the case itself was white and had inside a kind of red fuzzy cushion, something rather cheap that one could find at a common stationary store. Hyeongseob kept it by his books on the right side of his desk, he was a sweet nineteen year old and to anyone who’d take notice of the pen, he would just politely ask that they don’t use it. “It’s off limits even to me at times,” he’d remark a bit queerly. But it would do the trick and others would do as he asked.

            One afternoon a friend from the same entertainment company, Euiwoong, had asked him, “Is it because Park Woojin gave this to you?” The name prompted Hyeongseob to avert his eyes in this manner that was profoundly shy and it surprised Euiwoong. Maybe it was because Hyeongseob was a truthful kind of person, his gestures bled sincerity, that Euiwoong had believed him right away when the older boy replied yes. Hyeongseob and Woojin, despite being from different companies, had gotten close and made Hyeongseob think of the idol survival show they had participated in together, to have been a blessing in disguise.

            “He gave it to me after the position evaluation performances,” he explained, “said he remembered that I needed a new pen for writing, even though I said that weeks ago and had already gotten one for myself.” Park Woojin, as Euiwoong recalled, was a talented boy yet quiet and reserved. To Hyeongseob, someone who showered Woojin with much affection and attention, such a thoughtfully mannered gesture, as small as that, became a significant thing. He doesn’t talk about the pen much, not at all, one would never know of its existence but when they do, it’d become apparent that the pen’s glowing and fervent nature was an identity that only existed in the world of Ahn Hyeongseob and no one else’s. To himself with innocent secrecy, Euiwoong wondered if it also existed in Park Woojin’s world.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (crying because i see how short it actually is once i pasted it on here from word doc)
> 
> just a heads up okay? this fic will have many chapters and i'm not sure how many in total there will be, i started writing this quite a while ago and only had just gotten my ao3 account now so i can share this :))) i've made sure to check and re-check and edit my drafts so the chapters will be good.  
> \- the story will be in third person perspective, mostly euiwoong's perspectives and i recently made it so that some chapters are hyeongseob's perspectives as well, as for others, i'm not sure about that yet we'll just have to wait and see..  
> \- this is just fictional work!!!  
> \- i lov a lot of the produce 101 boys and the wanna one team, feel free to talk to me about whoever~  
> \- thank you for showing interest in this fic ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> snaggletoothed dreams are horrible, Hyeongseob thought.

What first started as a newly constructed relationship as fellow trainees who ranked A, their relationship became something more polished and their gentleness towards one another became more evident. Fans had begun to notice and talked about them more often. Euiwoong, as a third party, took notice of how Park Woojin looked at his friend, and recognised the same apparent look on his face several times following the first—his parted lips as if wanting to say something, the relaxed brows, his eyes which focused well on Hyeongseob, on his skin and his cheeks, his mouth.

            One day, they sat together, three of Yuehua’s trainees, and Hyeongseob confessed to being engulfed by snaggletooth dreams. Euiwoong snorted, and Zhengting hit him. To his disappointment, Euiwoong wasn’t the first one to know of Hyeongseob’s affections for the Brand New Music trainee. Zhengting was first. Zhengting was first because he found those articles of them written by fans and questioned Hyeongseob, the reason why he was searching articles up in the first place was vague, he was curious he said.

            “I’ve been dreaming of him a lot now.”

            “How do you know it’s him?” The younger questioned.

            “My dreams are quick and hazy and when I wake up and try to think about them later I don’t remember much except for the emotions, but the boy in those dreams was definitely Woojin, red hair and that snaggletooth in his smile…”

            “How can it not be him?” Zhengting cooed, resting his hands under his chin. He treated the subject with constant mothering, warm pats on the back, with a lot of positive agreement. Euiwoong looked at it differently, despite being younger than the other two, he thought himself to be more mature than others his age and capable of treating things with contemplative care, he’d always try to be someone they wouldn’t have to baby. He was capable of being cute, he insisted, as older people would think a child should be; but thought that this topic deserved kinder consideration, because it was Hyeongseob. Zheng Ting then asked what Hyeongseob was going to do about it, and afterwards Hyeongseob became hesitant in replying. He confessed to already having done a lot and believed Woojin to always having known, additionally with his label mates suspecting it. Euiwoong said nothing to that, of course they must’ve suspected, he just loved Woojin a little bit too much.

            “Has Woojin said anything about it? Has he said anything to you?” The Chinese trainee asked, he’d drawn his knees up and was resting his chin on them; they had been sitting on the dorm’s blue couch for some time. The curtains were drawn, and the window revealed the sky turning a rosy colour as the day made its transition into evening, Euiwoong’s mind quickly flitted past thoughts of ordering takeout for dinner. Hyeongseob said nothing, and turned his head to the dying sun.

            “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to…” Euiwoong trailed off, he attempted to come to Hyeongseob’s defence yet was unable to finish his words. It always seemed apparent that Hyeongseob loved Woojin, had feelings for him, cared for him, all those ways one can describe it. Yet now Hyeongseob was quiet, the way he darted his eyes as if running away from the questions frightened Euiwoong in this gentle way, he wanted to scream, _why aren’t you saying anything?_ Zhengting followed the silence, and after a few more minutes got up mumbling that he wanted something to drink then walked away leaving the two of them on the couch. After turning to look at him again, Euiwoong saw Hyeongseob’s eyes, the same deep clear pools, maybe he had felt this way the entire time. Only now that the younger had realised, that Hyeongseob had no definite answer as to how Woojin actually felt towards him.

            “Hyeongseob,” he started, “Hyeongseob, maybe you should ask him…” The other boy shook his head, as quiet as ever. Small movements made noises on the couch, there was another pregnant pause in the conversation.

            “Don’t you think I already have?” And Euiwoong, in this moment of sadness, felt something deeper for Hyeongseob. There was a large part of him that wanted to protect Hyeongseob. He felt like a little child with a wooden sword wanting to fight dragons. It was that unmistakable part of reality that told him he couldn’t this time, some things were different from dragons and a wooden sword couldn’t fix everything. Some things were just larger than him and weren’t his to sort out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is too short?? later chapters will be longer


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Park Woojin, you make me so angry. I don’t know what to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to a lot of Urban Zakapa when writing this lol, especially Wish and Tired.

It was two days after the position evaluation filming, when Woojin had come by the Yuehua building with such an odd look on his face. ‘Anxious’ was the word Seunghyuk used to describe the look on his face when Woojin mumbled a quick greeting to him and asked for Hyeongseob, it was “an important matter”, he said, hands clutching a white plastic bag and feet unstill. ‘Almost expectant’ was how Hyeongseob would describe the look on Woojin’s face when they met, his eyes were flittering about from Hyeongseob’s eyes to his ears to his hands, and the way he spoke had been calm but there was a confident air about him then. Hyeongseob blushed from the memory; the other boy had given him a pen that day, such a small gift. But it was a wonderful gift.

            After the second elimination round, the trainers kindly told them to be hopeful and thankful, but it wasn’t about Woojin, and it shouldn’t be. But Hyeongseob still kept those words in mind. He’d been thankful he hadn’t been eliminated yet, thankful that he had gotten another chance to be beside Woojin, yet when Zhengting and Justin were eliminated, his confidence crumbled. It was just he and Euiwoong now, the younger boy held his hand more tightly than ever in their private moments, his true face drenched with fear. _Where’s the part that’s meant to keep me hopeful?_ He wondered, _I have Euiwoong still, but Zhengting has gone and Justin too. Seunghyuk had left long before, where are my comrades?_

            “Just be joyful,” Hyeongseob whispered to himself one night, in the shower and alone with his thoughts, “be thankful for how far you’ve gotten, and be thankful that you get another chance to be good to him.” He tried to be, that’s what Hyeongseob could muster up, he tried to be good to Woojin. It wasn’t long till Zhengting came into his room one afternoon and showed him on his laptop a post, a post whose contents were of himself and Park Woojin.

            “This is embarrassing.” Hyeongseob sulked, and Zhengting shook his head with a smile. He pointed again at the screen, and made him read the adoring comments on his and Woojin’s developing relationship, many gifs and pictures taken from the show accompanied said comments.

            “No it’s not, they’re supporting you.”

            “Zhengting-hyung,” he said, “it’s not the kind of support I’m looking for.” This prompted Zhengting to put aside his laptop and sit beside him, there was confusion written all over his face, it was innocent-like, Hyeongseob wanted to laugh. He asked what Hyeongseob meant by support, and in a way that had led Hyeongseob to ponder for a bit on what he truly wanted from others. Was it the kind of support that had them cheering him on? Acceptance? Privacy? What he wanted, he concluded, was difficult to put to words. “Their support is, well, it’s more of them thinking that our friendship is cute and likeable. It makes us likeable, which is good for our standing in the show I guess. But they are just fans, right?” Zhengting nodded to that. “Fans don’t know _us_ , the real us, how we truly are off camera and what we really feel. They don’t know that I like Woojin in… a different way.”

            “They don’t know you love him.”

            “They don’t know I love him,” Hyeongseob repeated, even that statement felt a little strange on his tongue, it was awkward but truthful, “It isn’t the kind of support I’m looking for because, because right now… I would like this to be private and just between us. I would just like to do my best in loving Woojin, knowing that when my feelings won’t be returned, I’ll still have you to turn to.”

            “ _If_ your feelings won’t be returned, Hyeongseob,” Zhengting looked as if he were going to cry, “Please, don’t say it like that.” Hyeongseob’s heart ached, to see his friend like this was upsetting him greatly. Zhengting didn’t cry into Hyeongseob’s shoulders when he enveloped his arms around the taller man, but in the quietness of their surroundings, Zhengting clutched onto his shirt just a little too tightly.

* * *

Hyeongseob wandered into the city alone that night. He wore a black mask in order to hide his face; it was a rule that was encouraged by his company due to the rising popularity of the show’s trainees. “Get milk,” Seunghyuk requested earlier, “and some snacks for Justin if you have some money leftover.”

            “My snacks are more important.” Justin whined.

            “If your snacks are that important, why don’t you buy some yourself, rich boy?” Euiwoong sneered back at him, prompting Justin to throw a pillow at his face. They would’ve tackled each other and fought like snarling cats if it weren’t for Seunghyuk. Thankfully no uproar started before he left, and Seunghyuk hadn’t called him yet to inform him of any fights, for that reason, Hyeongseob decided to walk at ease and at a slow pace.

            The night sky was ink blue and dotted with many stars; they twinkled sweetly. The breeze that flowed gently turned suddenly cold and it made him thankful for having dressed warmly, the streets were well lit and many stores he walked past were still open with several customers making their way in and out. Some houses were still awake understandably as it was not yet too late at night, and dogs were still barking from one house he passed by; on another street, healthy green foliage hugged a string of buildings, and it gave off a captivating appearance, prompting Hyeongseob to walk more slowly when passing by. It took a while to get from the dorms to the small store that they often frequented. There was a teenage girl there who worked behind the counter for her grandparents, and she was respectful in the way that she promised not to sell him out to others who knew him from the show, him or any others from his company. Yet surprisingly she herself didn’t know who they were as much as he assumed, she had heard of them twice or thrice, but had never gotten further past that. “I’m more into classical music,” she mentioned that night, “I’ve played music with my group of friends for a while now. We’re actually more of an orchestra group.”

            “How many people?” Hyeongseob found himself wanting to make conversation, with anyone, with someone who wasn’t involved within the hassle that was currently his life. The girl wore large round glasses, and had a habit of taking them off and pressing her eyes with her fingers. She, in a way, reminded him pleasantly of an old friend from school.

            “Just three right now. But one of us can play two instruments, so we’ve got a cello, a piano, a violin, and a flute.” She spoke as she checked his items and calculated the price. “We need one more person, so we can play more songs, right now we can only play a few. It’s good enough, but I want more.”

            “Sounds a little greedy.” He chirped. She laughed and started putting his items in a bag.

            “What’s wrong with being a little greedy? It’s good being a little greedy. Ask yourself this,” she handed him the bag and looked right at him, “are things good enough right now? Think of any example, you’ve wanted this for a while now, you’ve worked well and hard for it, you’ve gotten at least _this_ far. But do you really want to stop now? Is everything right now, exactly how you’ve pictured it? Maybe it’s satisfying, but don’t you want more?”

            He wanted to lightly laugh at her attempted seriousness, it would be rude, but on another hand it would also be a playful gesture in the conversation. Truthfully, what she said jabbed at his current predicament, it was disconcerting and he never would’ve guessed that it would happen. But after he ended the conversation with an “I’ll think about it”, Hyeongseob left the store and swallowed in hopes of forgetting what she said, but to no avail. It was sad, he realised, that his feelings were left unanswered. When Woojin found out, it wasn’t through him, it wasn’t through a confession—regretfully it had been through his actions and a conversation between Woojin and the other Brand New Music trainees. He’d like to think that the others did not mean to be invasive or appear to be against him, Daehwi cried and apologised to him after confessing what they’ve done. But Woojin never mentioned it, never questioned him about it. _Maybe I_ am _a little too much,_ he admittedly thought, _maybe I was too pushy. The others suspected so he was bound to realise before I could tell him._ Having been unable to properly confess his feelings was probably the worst thing.

            “Is that Hyeongseob?” A whisper ran out too loud and he almost tripped.

            “Ahn Hyeongseob? You mean, Produce 101?” _Oh no._ He attempted to continue walking, but didn’t know how to escape without drawing even more attention; he didn’t want to be recognised that night, it just wasn’t the right time. His hands, unluckily, started getting sweaty. Hyeongseob could hear the voices getting closer.

            “Ah, there you are, Eric!” An arm draped itself heavily on Hyeongseob’s shoulders; he startled and almost screamed there and then. With a quick turn of his head, he came face to face with Woojin. He was wearing a large hoodie and a cap, face completely hidden away from those behind them, but his mask was tucked under his chin and in this way, Hyeongseob recognised him at an instant. “Eric,” Woojin grinned at him toothily, “I finally found you.”

            “Oh, never mind, we must’ve made a mistake.”

            “It would’ve been embarrassing…” The voices trailed off, and Hyeongseob found himself being gingerly dragged along as Woojin continued walking, right arm still around Hyeongseob. The other boy pulled him in closer to whisper in his ear.

            “Wasn’t that close, Seobbie?” They turned a corner into a small street, and Hyeongseob forcefully removed himself from Woojin’s clutches so he could hit him. Woojin only cackled at Hyeongseob’s frantic attempt at pounding against his chest with his fists.

            “You! Oh, you idiot!”

            “Nice insult.” Hyeongseob flushed.

            “You scared me! I thought you were a stranger, if you were, that would’ve led to a much worse situation.”

            “Then aren’t you glad I wasn’t? I even used a fake name to draw attention away from you. Be happy I saved you.” Again with the toothy grin, his snaggletooth was showing, and Hyeongseob’s eyes were drawn to it once it appeared. “Why are you out walking alone anyway? It’s not safe.”

            “You’re alone too.” Woojin clicked his tongue.

            “Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. I walked away from my friends to come get you.” Embarrassingly, Hyeongseob felt his face heating up, reddening, and he turned to continue walking only for Woojin to dart to his side and walk with him. The street they walked into, Hyeongseob considered, was much quieter and they drew less attention to themselves there. An old lady walked past them, with a shopping bag in her arm and a dull expression plastered on her face, then three children ran past them playing tag, pushing one another and giggling without hesitation. Then it was a couple who passed by them, a couple who clucked out their laughter well. The man held the woman’s hand tightly as she tittered out a joke with her voice out of breath, he grinned at her, an in-love look on his face, and kissed her then. The pair were oblivious to the two boys, but Hyeongseob couldn’t help but glance at them from the corner of his eye, half-heartedly happy for them and jealous of their affectionate public display.

            “Young love.” Woojin muttered under his breath. There was a longer silence between them following that, the sounds from their surroundings and their shoes against the ground bore a strange reverberation. The light of the moon illuminated the road, but Hyeongseob felt suffocated by an unknown thing, something ghostly maybe, something from his imagination. Everything then, felt weirdly unfamiliar. He stopped walking, which had Woojin stopping as well, who looked at him worriedly when Hyeongseob lowered his head and pressed his palms against his closed eyes. It was only just for a moment, when Hyeongseob lifted his head back up again and opened his eyes; it felt as if it were the continuation of one of his dreams. Park Woojin standing there before him, and the moon was emitting a familiar soft white glow. His breath was caught in his throat. _I do want more_ , he thought to himself.

            “Hyeongseob?” That same deep voice again, it resonated in his ears. “Did you have something to say to me?”

            _I want you so bad._ Hyeongseob wanted to cry. _It’s as if when I can’t expect anymore, these emotions come up again, and Park Woojin, you make me so angry. I don’t know what to do._ Unrequited love, he concluded, is hurtful all the same, but it is still love. Even though his feelings represented a hopeless love that could not possibly be reciprocated, perhaps this kind of love was still a love he could perceive as special all the same. The chance he’d been given, the more time he will have with Woojin, he decided that he’s thankful for that. Hyeongseob is only hopeful that he will be able to stay by Woojin’s side for longer, to be good to him, even if he will be perceived only as a friend. Woojin had inched closer to him and with his hands, grasped Hyeongseob's shoulders a little too hard. Evidently by the look on his face, Woojin appeared to be worried about him, having stopped walking so suddenly.

            “It’s okay,” he breathed out, “I was just taking a small break. Let’s go home.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol hey i'm back. It's 1:27AM here, that ain't good, but I spent all day writing this and checked the draft so many times and fixed the plot so many times euhefhefhe I hope you found this chapter good and angsty. I am happy to reveal that you can expect some happy things in future chapters, this isn't the end wink wonk** Writing this fic has been so fun, I got so excited over how many hits I received and kudos and stuff. I hope with this chapter, you're able to enjoy more of Hyeongseob's relationships with the other Yuehua trainees (as of current, we've explored two!!) and understand Seobbie's situation with Woojin more :'((  
> thank you for reading ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Euiwoong was almost walked home like a child.

Sanggyun came to pick Euiwoong up at eleven-thirty in the morning on a Saturday. Fresh-faced and casually dressed, but as usual, Sanggyun had that handsome quality about him that made him look good even in plain clothes. It was Seunghyuk who opened the door and greeted him; he came pounding at Euiwoong’s door and yelled, “Hey, Euiwoong, it’s that rapper you performed with!” Of course, he had bluntly given the most vague description, Euiwoong only realised it was Sanggyun because he was laughing too loudly from the doorway.

            “Sanggyun-hyung, what are you doing here?” A smile quickly came upon the older man’s face, friendly and inviting.

            “Not wanting to cause any trouble, but Euiwoong, are you free?”

            “Yeah I’m free. Until five, that’s when we have to meet with our CEO.”

            Sanggyun shook his head, “It’s all right, this is only for a few hours, and you can leave whenever. Kenta and I are going to a Japanese restaurant I found the other day for lunch, do you want to come?”

            Euiwoong squinted at the offer, and pondered on it, “Wouldn’t I be... interrupting something, hyung?” Funnily enough, Sanggyun was taken aback, the expression on his face was there for a few seconds and he looked as if he got caught doing something he shouldn’t have.

            “N-no, no, uh,” he stumbled over his words, “Kenta and I, uh, we—Kenta said he wouldn’t mind if I invited you, and I remembered you wanted to try sushi-” Watching him struggle was probably the best thing Euiwoong saw that week. He agreed before Sanggyun could embarrass himself further, and asked him to wait so he could get his jacket. Euiwoong kept his room clean in the absence of his parents, having picked up a habit of neatness years ago, there was a shirt thrown on the floor or a table with books and papers left strewn across its surface at times but it was a tiny mess compared to the dorms he lived in during the show’s filming. His pink plaid jacket was lying on his bed, his wallet coincidentally beside it. Before he left, Justin grabbed him by the ends of his jacket and asked him to bring back some sushi for him; he wouldn’t let go of him till he agreed, unenthusiastically that is.

            It wasn’t too hot out, but Sanggyun still wore a cap and a mask, the long grey sleeves of his shirt adorned his arms but still revealed his gold watch and showcased it like a part of his charm.

            “Hyung, is that your favourite watch?” The older man grunted in response. “It’s nice, I guess I get why you wear it, like, everyday.”

            The walk from the dorm to the meeting place Sanggyun had set up with Kenta was, in some ways, long and fruitless. They didn’t speak all too much, only leaving a trail of short questions and grunted responses. They walked for some time and Euiwoong, in some corner of his mind, had a burning urge to ask Sanggyun how he felt about the upcoming elimination. It would be the third elimination round, as frightful and nerve-wracking as the last one and the one before that, Euiwoong decided he would never be ready for those kinds of things. In the past, he had tried his best to keep his composure, as hard as it was, and he did well. But such feelings were inevitable: pity for the eliminated, disappointment in his own lacking abilities and mistakes, the stranger assortment of wanting to survive and yet wanting others to do the same as well. One night after the previous elimination, he came home late and found Justin crying quietly on the couch. Euiwoong couldn’t deny that there had been a pain in his chest when he saw the scene, the other boy’s eyes were red and wet, his mouth letting out faint whimpers, having held in his discontent and unhappiness for too long. It seemed that Justin had finally broke and let it all out, but he had been alone, it had been late at night, and he was alone. Euiwoong stayed with him then.

There was a strange quality about Euiwoong, being so young yet possessing the leading and mature traits one expected from someone more experienced. Euiwoong once speculated that it was the act of having been given the leader position, when forming the Yuehua boys group, which made him act up, but then remembered he didn’t feel much of a big change in his characteristics and personality. Perhaps, he had thought, perhaps he had always been this way. Maybe he’d gotten the habit of doing things this way, knowing others expected things from him; maybe it was the experience from working for his parents, from being casted as a trainee at such a young age. That strange quality of his affected his outlook on his experiences, and how he felt towards the other trainees—his friends, his hyungs. He’d grown uncharacteristically fond of them: Justin with his aloofness and conflicting attitude, Seunghyuk who took care of him more than he wished, Zhengting who was much older than him but still presented an easy-going personality, and Hyeongseob who was stupid but still good. Euiwoong had always felt small, smaller still when in the competitive idol environment, but his desire to protect his friends had grown larger and larger everyday, larger than himself. Sometimes, it saddened him when he realised he could not; in such instances as the night Justin cried alone and when Hyeongseob loved Woojin too much.

            Sanggyun was a good leader, was a good hyung to him when they performed together for the position evaluation stage. Euiwoong looked up to him. To such a hyung he admired, Euiwoong wanted to know how Sanggyun felt about the upcoming eliminations, what he would do then, what would he do if he were revealed to have not passed. Because Euiwoong found himself at a loss when he asked himself such questions, Euiwoong didn’t know what to do.

            “Ah, Kenta’s over there.” The older man said, and he grinned and waved back at the Japanese man across the street. Euiwoong turned to look in the same direction and saw Kenta who was dressed quite charmingly in a blue sweater; a toothy smile was plastered on his face. _Why are all my hyungs in love with snaggletoothed men?_ He pondered to himself.

            “Oh, Woong-ie, you look so cute today.” The comment on his looks prompted his face to twist in doubt, to which Kenta laughed at. Kenta wore a mask and a cap he wore backwards, but the younger thought that was a useless disguise, believing anyone would recognise Kenta from just his eyes and how he acted.

            For the next two hours, he was seated at a table shoving sashimi and soy sauce soaked sushi into his hungry mouth while Sanggyun showed no sign of stopping his asking Kenta for translations, their hands kept touching and Kenta’s laugh was melodiously constant. It was an endearing sight, Euiwoong thought, but if it were any more he would’ve gagged, maybe. The thought to ask about the upcoming eliminations came to his mind again, flittered in once or twice, it was a gloomy thought and it haunted him like a fever. He decided not to ask thinking it would ruin the mood; Hyeongseob would’ve called him smart for doing so.

            “Looks good.” Euiwoong looked up and found Kenta staring straight at him with another toothy grin, and then glancing down at his plate, his eyes twinkled with interest.

            “Yep,” he replied, “it is good, hyung.”

            “Ah, well I ordered something else, next time then.”

            “What did you order?”

            “Beef udon,” Kenta said, “because I felt like having some today.” Conversations weren’t frequent between him and Kenta, Euiwoong doesn’t remember having interacted with the other too often when on the show, but he decided he liked Kenta. Without warning, Sanggyun got up and excused himself to the restroom, and in just a moment afterwards a waiter brought over Kenta’s bowl of beef udon—steaming hot. Euiwoong continued finishing his plate of food, and spent the next few minutes afterwards watching Kenta slurp his noodles.

            “Kenta-hyung…” He attempted to start a conversation, but then realised it wasn’t a good time since the other was still eating busily, yet Kenta stopped eating and replied in a quick manner.

            “You can just call me Kenta if you want, Euiwoong.”

            “It… Doesn’t feel right, hyung.” Kenta chuckled at how respectful Euiwoong behaved, at his stick-to-it-tiveness when it came to honorifics.

            “Did you want to ask me something?” His attention turned towards the younger, and Euiwoong began to feel relaxed under Kenta’s gaze.

            “Y-yeah. I wanted to ask about the upcoming elimination,” he witnessed the older man’s eyebrows lift, “and I wanted to know how you felt about it.”

            “Nervous.” And he added a laugh to it. “I feel nervous, Woong-ie, like everyone else. Don’t you feel nervous?”

            “I do!” Euiwoong almost shouted, his tone too biting and loud, it prompted Kenta to snigger at him. A crawling heated feeling came upon him, his face reddened.

            “Hasn’t been a good experience though? I think it has. I wouldn’t have met you, or Sanggyun, or Eunki, or any of the other boys if it weren’t for this show.”

            “W-well yeah…”

            “I get that you feel scared, being eliminated would feel like a lightning bolt zapping against your chest! Maybe. It’s scary to think about, and sad.”

            “Sometimes,” Euiwoong furrowed his brows, “sometimes I feel like I’ve been lifting my own strings for too long, like I’m a puppet I mean.”

            “Being your own puppet?”

            “Yeah, something like that. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I get eliminated, I’ll go limp and lose hold on my strings and I’ll space out for a long time or something. I’ve tried to be prepared but…”

            “Are you afraid that something will catch you off-guard?” The question kept him still, and burrowed under his skin. Was it wrong to want to be prepared for everything? He wanted to be an invincible shield for his friends, to be steel against the impacts thrown at him. When the time comes, Euiwoong would gladly lay his body down as a bridge for the other Yuehua boys. But he didn’t want to feel defeated yet, to feel carved and hollowed out. Euiwoong saddened at the thought, he didn’t know what to do.

            It must’ve shown on his face because Kenta called over a waiter and ordered three ice creams, which was admittedly nice.

            “Thank you for sharing, Euiwoong.” Kenta gave him a gentle look, and Euiwoong felt warm and a bit more at ease. “You don’t have to tell me everything if you don’t want to, but just know I’m here if you need someone to talk to. I understand this must’ve been on your mind for a long time.”

            There was another lull in the conversation, nothing out of awkwardness or fear, but Euiwoong was left thinking that he would consider speaking to the other again another time. Sanggyun came back to the table, phone in his hand, and informed them that he had to leave early. When Kenta looked at him somewhat disappointedly, Sanggyun stammered out a promise that he would pay the bill for them. Then, with surprise, Kenta spoke something to the other man in Japanese—a short sentence through a doleful mumble. Surprise zipped through the younger boy as he watched the scene before him, the notion that Sanggyun could understand Japanese, even if it was only a little bit, never came to him.

            “I don’t mean to.” Sanggyun responded, and then proceeded to take out his wallet and leave a couple of bills on the table before leaving the restaurant.

* * *

 

            Euiwoong was almost walked home like a child. Well he was a child, technically he was, but Kenta had asked him in such a way that he felt embarrassed. After Sanggyun had left, Kenta resorted to eating the extra cup of ice cream himself. Upon leaving the restaurant, he offered to walk Euiwoong home, but the younger had to persist that he could walk home himself. Having arrived back to the dorm he shared with the other Yuehua trainees, Euiwoong spotted a small handheld whiteboard lying on the living room table. He carried the plastic bag packed full of sushi towards it—he paid for the extra food himself, since Sanggyun’s money covered only what the three of them had ordered for themselves.

            Justin’s quirky handwriting scribbled all over the board: _We left for food cus you took too long :P_

            “What.”

            In smaller handwriting, probably Zhengting’s, read: _Hyeongseob is still home, if you bought some food home, give it to him._

            “Well, Hyeongseob better eat every single last bit of this.” He muttered under his breath. Whatever remaining thoughts he had about his conversation with Kenta, or his curiosity towards Kenta’s short conversation with Sanggyun, had diminished. He walked towards Hyeongseob’s room, and was just outside the door with the bag in hand, when he heard a voice coming from inside. _That isn’t Hyeongseob_ , he realised in an instant. The voice sounded familiar, he couldn’t put his finger on it yet. The door wasn’t fully shut and a small crack allowed him a fortunate chance to peek in and see who was in there. It tempted him and struck his curiosity. _Rules can be broken once or twice_ , he thought to himself and moved his face a little closer to the door. The crack opened a little wider and he was quietly thankful for the door not having any creaking problems. Euiwoong looked in, and saw something surprising. The voice came from Park Woojin.

            Inside, Hyeongseob and Woojin were sitting on the edge of the bed, a black gym bag—probably Woojin’s, was abandoned on the floor. The Brand New Music trainee was staring at Hyeongseob expectantly, hair sweaty and his hands wouldn’t stop rubbing against his thighs in fidgeting manner. Euiwoong, still peeking, realised he must’ve been extremely quiet the whole time because neither of them had noticed him, either that or they had been too enwrapped in whatever conversation they were having.

            “Are you sure about that?” His deep voice resonated in the room. Hyeongseob blinked at that, his lashes were a gentle flutter against Woojin’s words.

            “You’ll make it in, Woojin-ie, I know you will.” Woojin smiled a little sadly at that, Euiwoong saw his fingers twitch, as if Woojin wanted to reach out for Hyeongseob’s hand. “I’m sure,” Hyeongseob spoke slowly, “I’m really close, I’m glad I’ve gotten this far.” Woojin’s brows furrowed and his hands ceased movement. “But really, Woojin-ie, I don’t think I’ll make the cut.”

            “You can’t say that.”

            “But Wooji-“

            “You can’t say that.” Woojin persisted almost angrily, too biting, and the other boy flinched, his face contorted into something worrisome. Woojin groaned upon realising that he made him startled, he ran his fingers through his hair and thought for a moment, before turning back to Hyeongseob. “I don’t want you to have doubts about yourself like this. You should debut with me.”

            Hyeongseob smiled something sad, “You know that probably won’t happen, with the way things are.” And Euiwoong swore that Woojin’s face twisted with distraught, as if those words almost prompted him to cry on the spot. In the many months he’d known Woojin, he’d never seen the boy so raw and face so truthful. Sometimes Woojin looked as if he wanted to say something to Hyeongseob, lots of things, but his mouth would twist in a way that signified his decision to keep it in. It was conveyed through the movement of his hands and the little expression changes on his face.

            “I wish it wasn’t like that,” Woojin confessed, and he stared at Hyeongseob with such delicate longing, “I wish we could be together for a very long time.”

            A smile grew on Hyeongseob’s face, he was so happy. His heart swelled upon hearing those words, his back straightened a little and he looked at Woojin with such a smile that Woojin’s serious expression, in a second, had changed into something more amused, almost relieved. Woojin laughed, and moved to hold both of Hyeongseob’s hands.

            “I wish we could be together for a very long time.” He repeated it once again at a much slower pace, more focus on each word. The moment seemed to stretch on for some time; there was a kind of peacefulness to it, as if all problems and worries had, not vanished, but rather quieted down. Hyeongseob leaned in, slowly closing the gap between Woojin and himself. He kissed him quick and softly the first time, then again a second time, his lips pressing against the other’s more firmly. Woojin’s eyes closed, and his hands moved to caress Hyeongseob’s cheeks.

In silence, Euiwoong moved from his spot near the door, and left the bag of food on the living room table before leaving the dorm.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took longer to finish, I was sick at one point so I took a break from writing ;__; 
> 
> Also, I actually have a twitter by the same name, I also prepared a gift for you guys as a thank you for reading my first ever fic lol but I would post it here as a photo?? so I just tweeted it instead (it's a sketch of jinseob) https://twitter.com/ekboranei/status/880777938731384833  
> thank you for reading another chapter of this fic~
> 
> EDIT: literally no interactions at the concert rip jinseob


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin’s tone sounded almost bitter, and too uneasy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a bad bad person I'm sorry for taking so long with this chapter ;__;  
> but good news, I guess, I planned 12 more chapters for this fic :') I also ended up changing "hyungseob" to "hyeongseop" to "hyeongseob" I hate myself

Zhengting was an Internet addict. If social media rules hadn’t been set for them, the Chinese trainee would’ve had an Instagram, a Facebook, and an additional Twitter account “for laughs”. Apparently, according to what he’s read, people are much louder on Twitter. All the eldest Yuehua trainee could do now was scroll through articles and videos, trying to find things about them, and mentioning every 10 minutes sulkily how he “would’ve been so popular” if he had joined those social media sites. Seunghyuk laughed at him plenty of times before, but doesn’t hold back from scolding Zhengting when he spoke of wanting to join secretly. It was always funny watching Seunghyuk keeping Zhengting in check and Zhengting would try to fight back— _try_ , because he wouldn’t win. Euiwoong was always amused by their antics. Other than Hyeongseob, he was the one Zhengting would show articles to. Articles about well known debuted groups, articles about celebrity scandals, public appearances, discussions and all that. It wasn’t all too bad to be updated about such things every now and then; Euiwoong would smile and listen intently to his older friend.

            Euiwoong found himself more relaxed nowadays, less stressed. Along with Kenta and Sanggyun, he was, sadly, eliminated during the third elimination round. He cried the first night no doubt, but then he didn’t the next day. The sadness and regret still lingered within him till now, there had been urges to punish himself by practicing more vigorously, yet there was a strange wave of relief that swallowed him after the elimination, that had been unexpected. He thought that perhaps it was because the stress that came from the show was over for him, he found himself feeling a little more at ease.

            “Oh, Hyeongseob, come take a look at this.” He heard Zhengting exclaim. The eldest out of all five of them was sitting at the table with his laptop and a can of soda in front of him, his cheeky grin was on display and it stayed so as Hyeongseob walked towards him. Hyeongseob, as Euiwoong had predicted in the back of his mind, ended up being the only one out of them all to remain in the show. He still remembered when Hyeongseob’s name was called that day, a stoic yet relieved expression stayed with him constantly the entire time but when Euiwoong's name never came, it prompted a look of anguish on Hyeongseob's face when he realised he was going ahead alone. Luck had been with him then and Euiwoong hoped it would be with him all the way. But Euiwoong felt guilty that he hadn’t thought of Hyeongseob’s Woojin problem for a while, as if he had somehow abandoned it, abandoned his resolution to protect Hyeongseob. Despite that, he had decided to wait till Hyeongseob spoke to him first, because he felt that if he asked the other himself, he would be forcing an answer out of Hyeongseob.

            Hyeongseob laughed beside Zhengting, turning his eyes away from the laptop screen towards the Chinese trainee. “That’s really cute, Zhengting-hyung. Thank you.” The smile on Hyeongseob’s face was genuine, his cheeks were lightly flushed, and he looked like that for a while afterwards. While managing to get out of his seat on the couch, Euiwoong glanced at Hyeongseob a few times and wondered to himself what made him so happy. He got off the couch and got himself a glass of water before heading to where Zhengting was sitting at the dining table; he leaned over and tried to look at the screen.

            “Hyung, can you show me what you showed Hyeongseob?” Then Zhengting proceeded to pull up a browser tab he previously closed, and Euiwoong read the contents. It was another one of those Pann articles about the show, but then Zhengting pointed towards a few comments, and Euiwoong understood why Hyeongseob had smiled. The comments were about him and Woojin, more adoration from fans, Zhengting made another comment on how cute it was while Euiwoong could only stare.

            “What is that?”

            A voice interrupted them from behind and their heads turned. Justin was staring back at them, eyes and expression dull, before trying to lean over and read the words on the screen. Euiwoong saw a glint of surprise flicker in the blonde boy’s eyes, his face slowly twisted into a mixture of confusion and disbelief, and without warning, Euiwoong felt his heart sank. Justin turned the other way after a long silence, and his eyes frantically searched for Hyeongseob who then had just returned back into the room.

            “Hyeongseob-hyung, are you…” And Euiwoong watched as Hyeongseob met his stare for a brief moment before looking right back at Justin.

            “Am I what?”

            “Are you and Park Woojin together?”

            Time seemed to slog in rhythm with everyone’s faltering movements; Justin’s question panged in the air and left a haunting silence amongst them. It was when Justin’s expression twisted in such a way upon reading those comments, had Euiwoong realised, remembered, that Justin was the only one in their little group who didn’t know of Hyeongseob’s situation with Woojin. Maybe it had been a mistake, it hadn’t been intentional to leave Justin out, but Euiwoong only knew Zhengting as the other person who Hyeongseob talked to about it and Seunghyuk had found out because he overheard and guessed—and Euiwoong wasn’t the type to just speak of others’ secrets and problems like that. There was a horrible “what if” that crept up along his spine then, and it troubled his thoughts.

            “Together…” Hyeongseob mumbled, and a light flush came upon his cheeks again.

            “ _Romantically_?” Justin’s brows furrowed as he said this one word, and Euiwoong noticed Zhengting, from the corner of his eye, closing his laptop quietly.

            “Yes. Yes, Justin, we are… together in that way.” Seunghyuk had already escaped to his room, and in all of a sudden, Euiwoong found himself being forcefully dragged along by the arm by Zhengting who attempted to hurry out of the room.

            “I don’t know what to feel about that.” Is the last thing he heard as he left the room, Justin’s tone sounded almost bitter, and too uneasy.

 

* * *

Ever since the kiss (or _kisses_ ) had happened between Woojin and Hyeongseob that one afternoon, Euiwoong assumed a happy ending would come. He envisioned Hyeongseob laughing and smiling, telling them how everything was going to be fine, telling them how happy he was, because _Woojin loved him back_. What he got was a Hyeongseob who had continued with his usual routine as if nothing had happened, what he got was a Woojin who never made another appearance, he felt stumped. Euiwoong became too stunned at the sudden changes. Since he was now an eliminated trainee, he doesn’t spend nights at the trainees’ dorms, he doesn’t participate in the challenges and events anymore, and he’s unable to know if Hyeongseob and Woojin even talk or interact while they’re filming.

            The curiosity got to him, he began to think about them too much, and as of late it became thoughts that niggled at his mind constantly. Was provocative curiosity just a part of being a young boy? If so, Euiwoong wished that he would just grow up faster. He felt invasive and almost overprotective, and at the same time powerless, it was a difficult combination of feelings that presented itself to him in its most exasperating form. It was two in the afternoon when Euiwoong knocked on Hyeongseob’s door, attempting to uphold a more formal attitude towards the other, and without a doubt, Hyeongseob became wary of him.

            “Euiwoong,” he started, “if you have something to ask me, or say to me, you can just do so.” Euiwoong was rather dubious about the whole thing; he hadn’t exactly planned out what he was going to do.

            “How many days left till you have to go back?” He doesn’t even give Hyeongseob a chance to reply when he continues, “Is everything all right with you and Woojin-hyung?” In that moment, Euiwoong was sure, he had caught the elder off-guard. A look flittered across in Hyeongseob’s eyes—hesitancy, realisation.

            “Everything’s alright, Euiwoong-ah.”

            “But he never came back here,” the younger spitted out, tone rushed and sharp, “he hasn’t talked to you, I don’t know what’s been going on but I’m worried, hyu-“

            “Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean he hasn’t talked to me?” Hyeongseob looked amused. “Euiwoong-ah, how can you even know that?”

            Euiwoong’s eyes lit up. “He talked to you?”

            “He has always been talking to me, Woong-ah, he never stopped.” The other boy’s voice was soft, assuring, and Euiwoong felt like a weight was being lifted off of him.

            “But what happened after you guys kissed? Why did everything change?”

            “ _Kiss_?” Hyeongseob’s face distorted angrily. _Uh-oh_.

            “I mean-”

            “ _You were watching us_?” Hyeongseob hissed, and Euiwoong swore he almost pissed his pants.

            “No no no!! I wasn’t, I-I wasn’t watching you, I just saw a-and then I left before things went any further!” This had become one of the rare times Hyeongseob got mad, and Euiwoong was actually there to witness it, he doesn’t find it to be a lucky experience. The room remained silent, with Euiwoong not wanting speak anymore in fear of making the situation worse, and Hyeongseob who warily eyed him.

            “Okay, I believe you.” And Euiwoong let out a sigh of relief. “Things are fine between him and I now.”

            “Nothing happened after the kiss?”

            “I didn’t say that.” Hyeongseob looked at him, then at his hands resting on his lap, then back again at Euiwoong. He was sitting on his bed, back against the wall and legs folded, meanwhile Euiwoong, after coming in, sat awkwardly on the edge of the bed. Hyeongseob’s room wasn’t messy, if it was, then Euiwoong would have a longer list of flaws for his hyung. Unfortunately the list still remained short. The room’s pleasant and tidy condition, in a way, mirrored Hyeongseob’s polite and sweet manner of speaking and personality. But Euiwoong found it laughable that such a person was also terribly clumsy at times. Fifteen seconds went by and Euiwoong started to think that Hyeongseob wasn’t going to continue speaking, and he was debating whether to ask another question or not, and if ask, what exactly should he ask? He began to feel uncomfortable sitting on the edge of the bed, and shifted to sit fully on the mattress, facing Hyeongseob.

            “I love him.”

            “I know that.”

            “And he said he loves me too.” Euiwoong wanted to grin widely. “Apparently he had some suspicion that I had feelings for him, but he didn’t want to ask. He told me that he had a lot on his mind but he wasn’t in a rush to get them over with, and when I became a part of that mix, he finally wanted to figure things out. He wanted to be sure of things and he wanted to tell me.”

            Hyeongseob faced him, and smiled beautifully and reassuringly. He whispered in a low voice, something sad, something regretful, “I’m sorry, Woong-ie, I’m sorry that I’ve made you worried. He hasn’t come over since, but it doesn’t mean that there are problems.”

            “Hyung,” Euiwoong said, “I hope you will stay happy.” The other smiled more greatly at that. With a slow move of his hand, Hyeongseob pushed back the hair covering his forehead. Hyeongseob then said that he wanted to hear about how Euiwoong was spending his days. Euiwoong talked about the hobby that he’d taken up recently—translating Korean stories into English, and about Kenta and Sanggyun. That was the first time he had spoken to anyone about them. They went out together again and invited him, it was just yesterday, and like the first time it ended with Sanggyun having to leave early. He found it challenging to describe the look on Kenta’s face after every time Sanggyun left, but Hyeongseob seemed to understand and nodded quietly to his words. However he hid the fact that he had asked Kenta about the eliminations, and about any fears and concerns he had.

            “There’s probably something going on between them. I wouldn’t do try and do anything about it, maybe one of them will tell you later on but there’s no guarantee.” The older boy said. He clasped his hands together, and then unclasped them; there was a pregnant pause in the conversation.

            “Can I talk to you about something?”

            “You can talk to me about anything, hyung.”

            Hyeongseob looked at him, his expression unreadable. “What Justin said to me before, made me realise that… Not everyone is going to react the same way as you, as Zhengting…” His voice trailed off sadly, and his lips quivered shut.

            Euiwoong hadn’t forgotten about Justin, but had been hoping Hyeongseob wouldn’t bring it up. He was still at lost on what to do and what to think of it. He hasn’t talked to Justin after what happened, nobody brought it up either, but there was the unmistakeable flicker of uneasiness that passed through Justin’s round eyes whenever Woojin’s name was mentioned (it happened rarely) or whenever Hyeongseob was near him. Hyeongseob then told him that he would talk to Justin, he doesn’t want things to stay the way it had become, and needless to say, Euiwoong felt sorry for him.

 

* * *

For the next few days, Zhengting was no longer allowed on his laptop. Seunghyuk found him attempting to make an account on one of the social media sites, and had shouted at him in Chinese, mouth spewing out a language Euiwoong hadn’t fully grasped yet so he couldn’t say for sure that he understood all of what Seunghyuk said. Zhengting clung to Euiwoong a lot more after that, his big sad eyes protruding and staring at Euiwoong’s phone screen constantly—it was really creepy in his opinion.

            “Hyung, if only you hadn’t _tried_ to make an account, you’d still have your laptop and not be doing,” he gestured to the elder and his activity of staring at Euiwoong’s phone, “this…”

            “Why aren’t we allowed to have accounts, Woong-ie?”

            He shrugged. “I don’t know. Company rules. A lot of the times, us trainees and idols just aren’t in the loop, we just have to do as they say.”

            Fingers tapping on his phone, he returned to sending his mother a text message, telling her about his progress in the company, wishing her and his father a happy day. Zhengting made a noise beside him.

            “Go read a book, hyung.” Zhengting hesitated but nevertheless moved off the couch and headed towards his room. After he left, Seunghyuk came out of his room dressed in a black top and dark jeans, he was wearing a long beige coat as well. He always dressed nicely, out of all the Yuehua trainees he was the one who always looked neat and clean with impeccable charm.

            “Are you going out?” said Euiwoong, looking up from his phone.

            “Yeah, I- uh, I have some business to take care of.” Euiwoong hummed at that, he watched as the other put on a mask and a hat and walked out, the door shutting behind him. Another few minutes passed, the sound of his fingers tapping and clicking on his phone continued on. His mother messaged him back that she was going to do some work before going to sleep, she wished him good night and told him that he should go to sleep soon. It was already getting dark outside, Euiwoong noticed, the big window in the living room had its curtains drawn open and revealed the sky transitioning from its medley of warm hues into an inky colour. Euiwoong then realised just a moment later, that he was alone, the quietness that descended within the room was unsettling and he was a little lost on what to do next. A loud thud, followed by a yelp, came suddenly from one of the other rooms and Euiwoong could only assume that it was Zhengting who probably bumped into or dropped something. Euiwoong shut his phone and left it on the couch, he got up and walked to yank the curtains closed. He went to the fridge and had gotten himself a light snack, only having taken a second bite did he finally realise that Hyeongseob and Justin hadn't made an appearance.  _They aren't here? Have I seen them at all today?_ Euiwoong pondered. Of course he did, he thought, he had seen them earlier that day but as of now they were apparently absent in the dorm.

            Euiwoong finished the last few bites of his snack and scurried to grab ahold of his phone once again, this time intending to call Hyeongseob and Justin on the off chance that one of them might have their phone with them, and would pick up soon to inform him of their whereabouts. He wondered if they were together, or if Hyeongseob was with Woojin, his mind flittered through the possibilities as he pressed in Hyeongseob's number. He let it ring fourteen times but no one answered, he tried again but no answer. Euiwoong tried again a minute later with Justin's number only to end up with the same result, and quite awfully he began to panic. 

            "HYUNG!"

            "WHAT?" Zhengting came running.

           "Where's Hyeongseob and Justin?" The worry was apparent in his voice, and he looked at Zhengting with such an anxious look that Zhengting noticed it rather fast.

            "They're fine," he replied quickly, "they're just out right now. Don't worry." 

            "Are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

            "Maybe." said the elder, he paced a little closer to Euiwoong and sat down on the couch beside him. "Just text Seunghyuk and ask him."

            It didn't take long for Seunghyuk to reply back, within the next few minutes his phone sounded a notification alert, Seunghyuk's message was a short one:  _They're together.. They're fine but, I don't think you should go find them right now. Stay with Zhengting-hyung._

            Short and precise, as expected of Seunghyuk. Euiwoong bit his lip a little too hard after reading that. Like the kind of person he was, he took in that text message and swallowed in the uneasy feeling that arose from it, gulping down every last letter. He tried to shake it off, but the smokey bitter aftertaste clung to him well. Euiwoong soon couldn't tell what it was he was trying to get rid of, was it the nerve-wracking sensation that came from the visualised image of Hyeongseob heartbreakingly trying to talk to Justin, or perhaps it was the weakness in his own character, an inability to leave alone such things that weren't his to touch, that arose every so often and haunted him like a ghost. He sniffed and bit back words. Whatever it was, he was trying like a mad dog in order to suppress such niggling feelings or to forget it. Zhengting called him tense, and attempted to laugh a little lightly, change the mood in the room that was being overwhelmingly controlled by the young boy.

            "I can't help but be like this, be nervous, I mean." Zhengting looked at him knowingly, his sad eyes saying more than his mouth. His hand grasped his own, and Euiwoong felt the warm skin of the elder's palm against his own, it was comforting, admittedly. Zhengting followed up with some words with the intention to have him think of something else, while Euiwoong reverted and kept his eyes on his phone.

            "What do you think of Justin?" asked Euiwoong, who finally turned to look straight at Zhengting.

            "Honestly, I never expected everyone to be okay with Hyeongseob. It's a little tough to deal with for some people, and sure it's a bit alarming right now with Justin being like that, but at least he's not one of those people who are very..." he hummed and tried to think of his next words, "very violent? I think it was a thoughtful way for him to act. Everyone may act a little different towards certain people at first, Woong-ie, for me, I thought you needed a lot of help at first. But now, I think of you differently."

            "And you call what he did 'thoughtful'?"

            "For him it is."

            Euiwoong mused on his words for a minute. "I guess I can't really expect him to be the same as I am, we're very different people."

            Zhengting blinked. "I think so too. You are more independent, but in a very different type of way, you're very observant Euiwoong. Out of all of us, I think you are the one who understands Hyeongseob most, it's not just that you talk to him a lot, but you also think of him a lot. It wouldn't surprise me if this had been on your mind all day." He pushed himself off the couch and went to get himself a bottle of water from the fridge. "Justin's very different from you. Even when he had a lot of friends back in China, I think he was just more used to dealing with problems alone, or maybe with the problems he had with other people, he just left it or decided to forget it.

            "Justin doesn't hate Hyeongseob, do not worry about that. Justin loves Hyeongseob, the way you do. Which is why I said that what he did was thoughtful, it was careful, he really doesn't know what to do. So he's really thinking about it, he said something and left it at that so he could come back to it later. Hyeongseob is someone important to him, so he's really trying to think about it."

            Zhengting came back and handed Euiwoong a bottle of water for himself, and he smiled gently. "Just be patient. I'm sure things will turn out okay." Euiwoong tried to smile back at him, when he felt the corners of his lips twitching and faltering back into a sulk, he brought himself to drink water in order to hide it. A sudden phone notification  _pinged_ and startled them. When he checked it, it turned out to be another text message from Seunghyuk:  _I'll be back home soon, don't stay too late._  

            He was about to shut off his phone and remark that he and Zhengting should get ready for bed, till another text message came from Seunghyuk:  _Don't let Zhengting use his laptop._ Euiwoong laughed out loud at that and showed Zhengting when he asked what the text said. He gave a frown in return, and Euiwoong laughed even harder. Upon returning to his room, Euiwoong left his phone to charge and then headed to the bathroom. He washed his face, brushed his teeth, and changed into pyjamas which just consisted of a simple t-shirt and comfortable shorts. Upon heading back to the living room, Euiwoong wanted to check if the windows and the door was locked, but surprisingly, the door clicked open and he stood just a few meters away as Hyeongseob and Justin walked through and into the dorm. They were both neutral of expression, Hyeongseob wore long sleeves while Justin had a thick jacket on. Justin noticed him and his eyebrows raised in a questioning manner.

            "Hey, dude."

            "Ah, Woong-ie!" Hyeongseob exclaimed, having taken notice of Euiwoong, "Why are you still up?"

            "Oh... I was just, I was just going to check the windows and the door." Hyeongseob walked by him and patted his head, telling him to head to bed soon. As he disappeared into his room, Euiwoong watched him as the door shut, closing off Hyeongseob from the world. He turned back and found Justin till standing there, he hadn't moved from the locked door. The Chinese boy's eyes were soft and quiet, exposing no emotion and no revealing hints of what had happened before then. When Euiwoong whispered to ask him how his day had been, Justin only smiled and shrugged.

 

* * *

 

The morning consisted of a fresh blue sky and the window was open, letting in a breeze too cool. Some houses were bustling actively, probably families, and a few individuals in the neighbourhood were out running. Euiwoong could never get in the mood to get out for a morning jog, no matter how much or how hard Zhengting tried to persuade him. There wasn't much scheduled for them that morning, the rest of them specifically, Hyeongseob had left incredibly early for the filming of the next episode and that left the rest of them. To his assumption, Zhengting was probably already out jogging, a ginger haired foreigner roaming the streets quite confidently. He got out of his room, still in his pyjamas, and headed to the fridge, having decided to eat breakfast before showering. Hyeongseob would've called him a slob, he could definitely hear his voice saying so. 

            "Is that what you're planning to do? Write a comment?" Seunghyuk's voice resonated across the room, and Euiwoong, as he entered the living room, saw Justin sitting at the table with Zhengting's laptop in front of him and Seunghyuk standing beside him, both of them had their backs turned to the onlooker. No one else was in the room, and they were both oblivious to Euiwong who had just come in. 

            "Yeah, just a comment, then I'll abandon this account." Seunghyuk nodded at that. Justin's slender fingers were typing away on the keyboard, from what Euiwoong could see, he was apparently making a comment on a Pann article. Once he had finished typing, he shifted the laptop screen so the other could read it.

            "' _I hope they stay together for a long time.'_ Hm. Okay then." His hand ruffled Justin's mop of blonde hair. From further away, Euiwoong stayed quiet and witnessed as Justin posted the comment, and Seunghyuk's smile was became evident to even him. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so the other night I read this jinseob ff here on ao3 that had a greek mythology au (I'm such a slut for greek mythology), I ended up crying at 2am and woke my friend up (she's in another country but same timezone) and my excuse for reading jinseob angst in the morning was "CRYING AT 2AM IS GOOD FOR UR HEALTH" 
> 
> and if you aren't sure about the ending, I'm sorry!! It's basically just Justin commenting on one of those Pann articles about jinseob, it's hinting that Justin and Hyeongseob's talk together worked out fine and he's supportive ;__;
> 
> I also have a bunch more jinseob ffs planned (+ongseob too) tell me what you think!  
> \- superhero/crime au, ongseob + jinseob, where ong (who was exposed as a supervillain) disappeared and left civilian!hyeongseob alone who now has the police and a team of superheroes to deal with  
> \- mafia/crime au, hyeongseob's the son of an underground boss who wants her son protected from the criminal world, has one of her bodyguards (woojin) to protect him  
> \- (in progress) zombie/post-apocalypse au, ongseob living together in the post-apocalyptic world, reminiscing of their lives in the past  
> \- (in progress) non-idol au, in the next life, woojin searches for hyeongseob


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were six unseen messages from Woojin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time skip - this is set after the final episode

In perfect white text on black, the words solidified: “ _Wanna-One_ ”

            Hyeongseob stared at it earnestly, and thought to himself that it was kind of a weird name. He clicked on another gif as he scrolled a little further down on his laptop, this time the name _IOI_ unfurled and transformed into _Wanna-One_ , neatly and fluidly. The white letters seemed to glow, or perhaps it as his imagination. The finale, the eleventh episode of Produce 101, had aired live and ended just two nights before, with the impressive awestruck feelings combined from the audience and the trainees themselves creating an intense memory. He remembered standing on the stage waiting for names to be called out, half-heartedly waiting for his own name, wanting to tremble but he couldn’t. As the shouts and screams of the fans were muffled out, he was lifted on a sea wave and suspended in the air, and his face froze with a crawling anxiety. Unfortunately, Hyeongseob’s name wasn’t called out, and he didn’t get to run up to sit on one of the blue chairs. Instead, he had run up to hug Woojin when the red haired boy had his name called, and hugged him tight, shaking him by the shoulders and smiling so tight-lipped. It hurt. It hurt badly, he had to admit.

            When he watched the final episode alone, when Woojin’s name was called, and he walked along the blue pathway to make his speech—giving his thanks and such—apparently Hyeongseob was the only trainee the camera switched to other than the Brand New Music trainees. _What was that?_ He thought. It was strange; to him it hinted excessively to reality, in a way, it had frightened him. In front of him, flashing, the gif looped and looped, a never-ending set of graphics.

            “You’re going to hurt your eyes if you keep staring.” Said Seunghyuk a little too bluntly. Hyeongseob turned around to face him, then Seunghyuk repeated his words one more time and pointed accusingly at the screen, to which Hyeongseob scoffed and rolled his eyes at.

            “It’s fine.”

            “You’re just setting yourself for eye damage, you’ve been staring at the screen a lot lately.”

            “Is hyung sad that he doesn’t get to be in a group with his boyfriend?” Justin piped up, he stood near the window, with his phone in his hands.

            “No, he’s just mad that he’s going to be stuck with us for the next two years.” Euiwoong said, very matter-of-factly. He smirked when Hyeongseob gave him an annoyed look. Euiwoong’s statement lightened the mood a little more and made Seunghyuk chuckle, not that he would admit it but Hyeongseob was grateful for Euiwoong having made things a little less gloomy. He gave the gif a last look, and then closed his laptop.

            “Okay, so I was thinking of making fried rice tonight-”

            “No.” Justin was taken aback by Seunghyuk’s sudden reply to his thoughts on dinner for that night, he attempted to defend his recipe choice only to be shot down by Seunghyuk again.

            “No. Why? Because you ruined the kitchenware last time you made dinner, we had to buy new pots and pans!”

            Euiwoong looked up from his phone, “…Some of my money was used for that.” Justin, who had moved to sit beside him during the conversation, mouthed ‘sorry’ and Euiwoong only stared in return. Hyeongseob hummed and his eyes shifted from Seunghyuk to Justin, who had begun to have a staring contest with each other with Justin not really winning. On such days, when they would have not much to do, Hyeongseob would spend the nights sitting by the phone, waiting for a text message from Woojin or even a call. The others would be together in the living room, or in their own room, sometimes Euiwoong would go out and on rare occasions take Justin with him. He’d stare outside the window, or hole himself up in his room to watch an animated Japanese film—Makoto Shinkai, Hayao Miyazaki, they were his favourites. The others weren’t too interested in the same films and directors as he was, he’d enjoy a Disney movie with them, but he kept to himself with his interests.

            He felt that staying home that night would be a little next to impossible, with their “chef” on hiatus (or on leave, as Seunghyuk insisted) and with Zhengting’s restaurant recommendations as of recent, they were probably going to eat out that night. A few minutes later, Justin stopped trying to get his chef position back, which finally quieted Seunghyuk. Zhengting appeared only later carrying with him two sets of outfits, he asked them which one was better—the ripped jeans and loose button up shirt or the black pants and white turtleneck. He thought they were going to eat out that night, and being hesitant to explain that they hadn’t decided yet, the whole group just decided that they would eat out that night.

            Zhengting went out wearing the white turtleneck outfit, mentioning how he “hasn’t worn it in a long time.” As June came, Hyeongseob found it unbearable to wear his jacket or coat, to feel the thickness of the material. The month brought along a hot summer weather that seemed to irritate Hyeongseob to his bones, to be truthful, it wasn’t boiling hot, but the events that transpired that month had further heightened Hyeongseob’s sensitivity and that even such little things as wearing a jacket made him feel worse. Instead, for that night, he dressed in basic clothing, a black t-shirt and jeans. As they walked out and made their way along the streets, Justin commented on how he didn’t want to stay out too late, Hyeongseob just agreed quietly in reply and with that, he drew a worried look from Euiwoong. Hyeongseob noticed his friend’s eyes that gradually grew worried, perhaps it was intended for the nonchalant air he carried or the quietness he seemed to produce, Hyeongseob couldn’t clearly tell. Their feet trod along the pavement, one foot after another, in a group that huddled together closely as if they were strung to one another by an invisible string.

            Euiwoong was involved in his life a little more than he once thought, Hyeongseob realised this a long while ago. The young boy, roughly the age of a high school teenager, was someone beyond his years. It was evident that Euiwoong was an intellectual and studious kind of person; traits like those helped him in school and possibly might have created this clear image of him that persuaded the company to position him as the leader. Hyeongseob noticed other things, other than the fact that people noticed him and his clever personality, Euiwoong also noticed people. His dull round eyes would wander over another’s body, examine a situation, it was as if his eyes were hands that had the ability to lift the covering layer of what was there and bury themselves under the skin, to make contact with the flesh and the organs—to touch what was not physically there. Truthfully Hyeongseob didn’t know what could set the realisation off. An argument. A gesture. Anything. He’d get a sudden pang of awareness, and for a moment, he would be reminded of it.

            Sitting across him, Justin was slurping his noodles and plopping a dumpling into his mouth every seven mouthfuls. Zhengting was ordering some drinks in Korean, his slow speech treading one word at a time out of his pink lips. Seunghyuk and Euiwoong sitting beside him had ordered the same bowl of rice and meat, and while he had gotten some fried rice for himself, a small part of him fantasised about meat and cheese. Their evening went along well with conversation and good food, with an abrupt moment of Justin almost choking on a bit of dumpling after Euiwoong had told a joke. _I feel relaxed_ , was what Hyeongseob found himself thinking, _is it okay to feel like this?_ The memory of the white on black words flashing had disappeared almost fully from his mind, it wasn’t as bothersome and vivid as it was the first time he found himself thinking of it. He’s reminded of reality before him again as Zhengting giggled loudly, and Seunghyuk shouted in order to call a waiter.

            “More food?”

            “No, hyung,” Euiwoong whispered, “just the bill.”

            Hyeongseob nodded in return. He clicked his tongue, and waited, at the same time eyeing the empty bowl in front of him.

            “I’m going to go to the store after this.” Seunghyuk remarked.

            “Oh, the mart that sells those cold drinks?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Can I come with? I want to buy some drinks and snacks!” Euiwoong sniggered, while Seunghyuk just smiled and told Justin that he was allowed to go with him. The waiter came with their bill and they piled in their money, after receiving change, they walked out. Seunghyuk and Justin said their goodbyes and walked another way while Euiwoong, Zhengting and Hyeongseob headed home.

            The front door felt cold, and upon returning, Hyeongseob just wanted to close his eyes and sleep. “Are you tired, hyung?” Euiwoong’s voice alerted him. He glanced back at him, and shrugged. “Because of the eliminations?”

            “No.” Euiwoong’s eyebrows rose in surprise, and he just stared back at Hyeongseob who had already turned away. They didn’t exchange another word, and each individual went off to their own rooms, Zhengting had already gone to his. In his room, bed sheets folded neatly and this time no shirt was strewn on the floor, Hyeongseob sat on his chair. For a moment, he rested his head on the table, arms barricading, and for a moment he stayed quiet, unthinking. Hyeongseob almost fell asleep. Till he remembered his phone that had been in his pocket the entire evening out, he hadn’t taken it out once. The assumption that it needed charging came to mind, and he brought out it out of his pocket. To his surprise, his phone had been on silent all along, and even more, there were six unseen messages from Woojin.

            _Woojin: hey_

_Woojin: Hyeongseob.._

_Woojin: I need to talk…_

_Woojin: I need to talk to you._

_Woojin: please_

_Woojin: Seob?_

            Hyeongseob widened his eyes, half in confusion, half in surprise. The clock in his room ticked on, providing a continuous sound in the room, the other sound being the faint whisper of Hyeongseob’s breathing. He stared at his phone screen, blinked, rubbed his eyes and stared at it again. It wasn’t unbelievable, just worrisome and sudden. He moved out of his sitting place and stood in the middle of the small room, his fingers tapping on the screen, he wanted to call Woojin.

            “Hello? Woojin?” There was a faint murmur on the other side of the call, then breathing.

            “Seob.” He had picked up.

            “Woojin, a-are you okay? Where are you?”

            “I’m… Seob, I’m almost outside your place, I,” he paused at that, then asked with abundant longing, “can I see you?”

            No hesitation. “Yes. Yes, Woojin. I-I’ll meet you outside, I’ll be right there.” In haste, his feet blundered out of his room and all the way to the front door, his heart was beating a little faster and Woojin’s words played over again and again in his head. _Can I see you?_

            Woojin was right outside when Hyeongseob opened the door, in a hoodie jacket and a mask, his face was concealed to the public apart from his eyes and tuffs of his hair. Normally the other boy would draw attention to himself without doubt and without fail, but the way he was dressed hid him from the world.

            “Hey.” Woojin said, his tone dull and his voice deep.

            “Hi.” They didn’t break eye contact, and as each second passed, Hyeongseob consented to the meekness he felt under Woojin’s gaze. “Do you… Do you want to go to the roof? It’s quiet up there, we can be alone.”

            Woojin nodded, and then Hyeongseob noticed the colour of his hair, it was brown. The place they resided had a rooftop area; by day it was a usually sunny, handsome place. By night, it looked subtly enchanting, although being open to the sky, it felt secluded and private. He led Woojin up the metal stairs that clung to the side of the building, further up past their dorm’s floor and up the rooftop. Each step made a clanging sound, Woojin followed behind him as he walked in front, the silence between them was prolonged and Hyeongseob began to feel a little nervous. They stood near the edge, arms resting on the concrete; both of them looked over upon the city and the houses, the trees and brightly lit stores. The sky turned purple and blue and darkened, as the day had long transitioned into evening, Hyeongseob realised that he was just wearing a shirt and jeans, simple but he felt underdressed and too exposed. The way Woojin stared at him, was as if he were able to dig past his outer layer and whatever shell Hyeongseob had built, it was intimidating, Woojin could become like that at times.

            “Woojin, ah,” Hyeongseob began to speak, but then had trouble continuing, “I, um…”

            “Seob, I,” Hyeongseob grew startled as he heard Woojin’s voice stutter and break, “I really can’t believe that, that you aren’t going to be with me.” His eyes widened in shock. Woojin was crying.

            “Oh, no, Woojin! Why are you crying?” Hyeongseob moved closer to the other boy, his hands reached for him, and tears threatened to fall from his own eyes. What was happening? Woojin was crying. He wrapped his arms around him, and Woojin buried his head into Hyeongseob’s shoulder, letting out muffled groans and Hyeongseob felt his shirt getting wet. For a while it stayed like that, Woojin in his arms, Hyeongseob staring elsewhere blankly. Then the other boy moved away, blinking and wiping his tears with the sleeve of his jacket. He smacked his lips as if thirsty, and looked away for a second before turning to stare right back at Hyeongseob.

            “Hyeongseob, I’m sorry.”

            “Woojin-ie, there’s nothing to be sorry about? It’s not your fault.”

            When Woojin looked at him, it was then Hyeongseob saw his face clearly. There was something about the way he looked, the expression on his face, and how he glanced at the floor, the sky, and his lips quivered slightly as if he had caught himself before he could begin to say something. He attempted to explain, only got a few words out before he shut up and his brows furrowed.

            “I’m scared about something, to be honest.” But he looked as if he was confused, what was there to be scared of? His eyes contemplated quietly, looking angry at the world and sad and frustrated, but at the same time confused on why he was like that—confused on his sudden fear of this something he expected to come with Hyeongseob’s elimination. Unfortunately, as large as his emotions were, it was like he’d forgotten the language to express it. Hyeongseob hugged him again, a little harder this time, and pressed a kiss on Woojin’s nose. That night, they held hands, and quietly talked on the rooftop until Woojin felt better. Hyeongseob, and he himself was surprised at this, was pleased. Pleased that Woojin had come to him and revealed to him such a raw and honest side of him, there was something thrilling and gripping about a situation like that, he knew a little more about the other, he felt needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about this, I'm not sure but i felt like this chapter was a little crappy.  
> on the other hand, I've planned a lot more for this zombie au fic, and I ended up rewatching some himym episodes, I imagined seob as marshall and woojin as lily who got accepted into a summer dance program and had to cancel their engagement lol angst :')  
> another himym au could be this scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPGq9JtjlBc with woojin as ted and seob as the mother (does anyone wanna write this?? should i write it??)
> 
> i'm also on twt if you want to chat (T___T ) @ekboranei


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was something Hyeongseob realised along the way, it was upsetting and too new, but otherwise still a truth he had to face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may check and reread again to find any mistakes. ^_^

The year had been a fever dream milked with colours of blue and white and gold, fantastical, heavy, and Hyeongseob had only been truly sure of a few things: one, he would be eliminated from the show, two, he’d probably make new friends on said show (it wasn’t impossible, considering Euiwoong gradually grew to like him), and three, he was in love with Woojin.

Three was something he’d realised a while back, his back soaking with sweat and his eyes would attempt to adjust to the bright light of the practice room, Woojin’s hand on his shoulder, the look in his eyes had been a mixture of quiet strength, determination, gentleness. It had been clear to him, simple and barefaced—he was in love with Woojin. But what could he have done? The ending for him would either be that he would be eliminated, or he would win. The thread of the possibility that he would get to be with Woojin was thin and unfortunate, back then when he was sure that his feelings were not a result of stress, confusion, it saddened him to know that even if Woojin returned his feelings for him, there was little chance that they were ever going to be together. Hyeongseob never told him, maybe he might’ve hinted, but the other boy was oblivious. Even when Daehwi looked him in suspicion—Daehwi was impeccable and observant—Woojin never looked at him like that, despite how close he and Daehwi were and however much Hyeongseob assumed that Daehwi would ask Woojin about it, his assumptions were wrong and Daehwi was respectfully quiet about the matter. There had been something relieving about it, and sad as well.

Being in love with Woojin made him happy and angry and confused all over, again and again. Hyeongseob was greedy, he wanted more, like what the store counter girl had said to him. But along the way, he ended up stopping despite the fact that what he had wasn’t really what he wanted. Hyeongseob remembered his eyes wet, promising himself that he would continue on loving Woojin, to be good to Woojin, even when his love was deemed hopeless.

It hadn’t come to him that his affections would be requited. He was happy, he was kissed and loved and spoken to with gentleness. However, Hyeongseob grew to realise that the boy of his affections had the emotional range of a rock—something like that. Kissing was easy, kissing was sweet, quick, long, wet, and Woojin would hold him tight. It came to his understanding that there was a lot of physical affection in their relationship; it never went past kissing and touching though. They still talked and Woojin would listen to him intently as he recalled stories from his childhood, or a crazy moment during his _Yuehua_ training days, a calm look on his face. However weeks passed, and their conversations decreased abruptly and quickly, they went on back to focusing on work and training, Woojin got sick and stopped talking to him. He began to worry then, a creeping anxiety slithering up and down his back, and the growing doubt threatened him. _Did he use me, and when he decided he didn’t need me anymore…?_ The mere thought of being used made him uneasy with anticipation, it was a saddening notion but he truly knew that it wasn’t impossible for a boy of his age to have such ideas and wants, he was a mixture of surprise and disbelief, and expectantly waited for the likelihood of that—if it were the truth—to reveal itself.

“I’m— I’ll try to keep my phone. So I’ll be able to text you,” said the other boy.

Woojin’s eyes were drying, and his lips were chapped. They returned from the rooftop and Hyeongseob got him into his room without alerting the others, words escaped the caging of their mouths in hushed whispers as they crept along. The _Brand New Music_ trainee—now a _Wanna-One_ member—followed the other like a puppy, having just cried in front of him only several minutes before. Hyeongseob stared at him, quiet but secretly pleased. For weeks since the concept evaluation, Hyeongseob had suppressed the doubts that puzzled and saddened him, too afraid of the possibility that they might be true, too unsure of what he would do. When Woojin came to him, emotions bursting with their raw intensity, when Woojin cried in front of him, it felt as if Hyeongseob was shown a private and vulnerable side of him that most others possibly never saw. For the first time in a long while, Hyeongseob was reassured, and he felt needed by his boyfriend in this much more sentimental way.

“I think they’ll take your phones away,” he said.

“It’s possible, if they do, I’ll find another way to contact you.”

“You’ll be so busy though.”

“But it’s you.” Hyeongseob’s breath got caught in his throat. The boys were seated on the bed, bodies facing each other. His eyebrows lifted, he blinked, and tried to suppress his smile that wanted to burst all toothy and wide. His heart fluttered when Woojin leaned forward and grabbed hold of his hands, moving them to cup Woojin’s face, palms pressed against his cheeks. The other boy endearingly kissed his palms prompting a giggle from Hyeongseob. A moment later, they’re sleeping on the bed a little closer to each other, and Hyeongseob felt very at ease.

“Are you excited?” He asked what he’d been wondering for some time now. In his own mind, Hyeongseob was excited. He’d have friends who were going to be idols—for real, and he was excited for Woojin who had been working so hard. But Woojin blinked, and loosened his limbs to sit up straight; he said that he wasn’t as excited as he’d thought he would be.

“But why?”

“I don’t know, Seob.” Woojin shook his head. “It’s just a little different from what I expected, I always dreamed it to be different you know. Back when I was a _Brand New Music_ trainee, I thought it’d be with Daehwi and my hyungs, I imagined myself with them and with my company. I didn’t see Daniel in my dream, or Jihoon, I didn’t see you.”

“Oh.” It quieted him to hear that, but Hyeongseob wasn’t too surprised. He’d never imagined Woojin would be in his life quite like this either. There must’ve been a strange look on his face, and knowing Woojin, strange looks on Hyeongseob was always interpreted as sad looks.

“I’m sorry, did I say something bad?”

“What? No. Woojin-ie, it’s okay,” he paused before continuing, “can you tell me what your dream was like?”

“My dream?”

“Debuting.”

“Oh.” Woojin’s brows knitted together, a thoughtful look came upon his features as gently as it could, he was trying to think of how to say what he wanted to say. “You know how close I am with Daehwi and my hyungs, my dreams of the future as an idol always included them. We would be on stage together performing our songs. I thought that it was more likely that Donghyun and Youngmin would get to be a duo together at some point, and Daehwi would get popular as producer. I’d get a solo album…”

No more words followed as his voice trailed off, the slow movement of his eyes stilled as if a thought had struck him suddenly, alarming and important. Hyeongseob noticed this and grew curious.

“Woojin?” He had to say it again to get the other’s attention back to him. When Woojin didn’t say anything more and his body seemed to tense under his boyfriend’s stare, the tension between them became more apparent. Hyeongseob then felt uneasy, and realised that Woojin, because of some realisation that caught hold of him quick, was trying to hide something from him.

“Woojin, you’re not telling me all of it, aren’t you?”

“I guess not,” the other finally said, “I just didn’t think you’d like this part.”

Hyeongseob blinked. “I think… I want to hear all of it. Yeah, I want to hear all of it. You have to tell me whatever it is you’re hiding.”

Woojin’s mouth parted a little, revealing just a hint of his snaggletooth like a cheeky gesture. His eyes studied Hyeongseob’s unwavering face, and then turned soft with affection. In those several seconds, the tender look that Woojin occasionally gave Hyeongseob appeared, and as always they quietly startled him.

“Okay, if you really want to hear. When I thought of the future, I assumed I’d get a solo album, many idols got that opportunity. I also thought… that I’d date a female idol.”

“…A female idol.”

“An idol. We’d meet at a music show or something, we’d exchange numbers, become closer, start dating, and if the public reveals us, there’d be a scandal. I assumed something like that would happen. The idea of a scandal made me excited, like other things that were part of being an idol.”

Hyeongseob laughed. “A scandal isn’t a required thi-”

“But it’s possible. For any idol.” His expression grew hard. “It was just something I expected would happen. It could happen because of the fansites, the fans, or the media, even my own company could set a scandal up for me just to draw attention to my group. I don’t know, Hyeongseob, I just thought.”

Hyeongseob stayed quiet. For a while, neither of them said anything to follow up Woojin’s explanation. The process of getting all of that out seemed to have exasperated him, Woojin had originally decided that that piece of information was troubling because of how they were now. But he’d concluded: Hyeongseob meant everything to him now.

“But things went differently, didn’t they?” Woojin looked right at Hyeongseob when he said this, “I met you.”

“Woojin-ie.”

“I decided that a scandal would never happen. I’m not letting them find out about us. I don’t want to put you in danger.”

Although his face flushed quickly and his hands began to feel clammy at Woojin’s sudden protective declaration, Hyeongseob realised how much more difficult it was going to get for them both, for their relationship. Something about that realisation discouraged him in a way, it wasn’t too great to find out that a happy ending for his relationship had such a low possibility rate and so many dangers.

“You okay? You look a little stunned.”

He let out a laugh, light and short. “Yeah, I… I am.” It struck him that this conversation might have been exactly what he’d been hoping for, yet, at the same time, what he feared. Their relationship now had both feet out the door, and they were out of the safe, dreamlike room they’d been staying in. He felt more exposed; he felt the need to raise barriers and to hide himself, a large part of him wanted to run back into the room. Woojin’s phone rang, and after the brief conversation, he told Hyeongseob that he needed to go back. When they got to the front door, Woojin turned back around to face him.

“Are you going to be all right?”

“I should be the one asking you that,” he laughed, “you might explode from the excitement of finally debuting!”

Woojin grinned toothily at his remark. He pulled Hyeongseob in for one last hug, and kissed his forehead sweetly before leaving.

 

* * *

 

Seunghyuk was cooking up fried rice for dinner the next evening, and Justin was kept away from the kitchen at his demand. The sizzling sounds of the rice beating against the inner surface of the pan came with the delicious smell of cooking vegetables and meat, Hyeongseob’s mouth watered in anticipation. He was _starving_ , perhaps it was just an exaggeration, but he really was hungry.

Beside him, Euiwoong showed no sign of excitement over the food, instead he was typing out text messages to his school friends.

“‘Twenty pages from the textbook, four worksheet pages.’ Man, why do you have so much to do?”

“Because I have school, unlike you, I like to keep myself busy by studying and doing well.” Euiwoong replied monotonously.

“Did you just-”

“I did.” Hyeongseob fell back on the couch and groaned. The younger boy never once looked up from his phone and continued on casually. Seunghyuk hummed busily as he spooned the fried rice onto a large plate, on the stove there were fishes being fried, and then the smell of food finally aroused Euiwoong’s attention. Justin walked in the room with Zhengting following right behind him, he yelled out that he’d ordered some drinks for them, it was unnecessary for him to be that loud but it did get everyone’s attention.

“Did you get what I wanted?” Hyeongseob asked.

“Sweet milk tea, yeah.”

“Good.”

Justin smiled a little proudly, and made his way to sit on the couch with them, planting himself on Euiwoong’s other side. Quietly by himself, Hyeongseob beamed at the memory of being told that he and Euiwoong were getting more chances to have live streams, he hoped they would get photo-shoots in the near future, and be offered things like roles in commercials and guest appearances on shows. It had been unmistakably clear to them all that the survival show would lead to various other opportunities, if they had enough attention. He and the three _Yuehua_ trainees didn’t make it, however badly it felt like a blow in the gut, they were assured better opportunities to get their names out there before becoming an idol, and a gradually increasing fanbase. Something about that moved him, the promises tingled and shifted through his bones, at times he wouldn’t know whether if it was excitement he was feeling or nervousness—the two were always so elevated and the differences between them seemed to become less distinct.

Suddenly it struck him, a bit more vividly this time if it had ever come to him before. Things were moving forward, the events in his life were becoming greater but at a gradually slow pace. When he thought about it, it contrasted greatly with Woojin who was experiencing change at a much faster pace, while he was not ill-informed about the change, Woojin still had a hard time keeping up. Hyeongseob thought about Daniel, who he assumed predicted his own situation beforehand when his popularity had all of a sudden soared. The older man’s round white face, despite bursting into large laughs and grins, possessed eyes that, in just a two second look at Hyeongseob, told him everything. _He knew it was going to happen_ , the boy thought, and when he hugged Daniel, whose arms enveloped him easily, he whispered congratulations in his ear.

None of the others knew about how Woojin visited him and stayed in his room till the sky grew dark. They greeted him in the morning without suspicion, and made about their day as if everything were normal and Hyeongseob definitely wasn’t keeping something from them. It wasn’t a secret, but it felt like one, it was too personal and private to share. Even if one of them asked about the events of the previous night, he wouldn’t be able to tell the truth. They ate their dinner with a side helping of light chatter. Seunghyuk beamed about his own cooking, it was inarguably delicious. The pepper and egg gave flavour to the rice, the vegetables crunched in between bites, and Hyeongseob ate with total concentration.

“Do you like it?” Seunghyuk asked out of the blue.

“Hm?” Hyeongseob swallowed. “The food?”

When Seunghyuk nodded, Hyeongseob lightly raised his eyebrows and said yes, throwing in a compliment to raise the other’s mood, because he had worried he had upset Seunghyuk in some way.

“You just had a strange look on your face, I thought you didn’t like it.”

“No, no, I do.”

 _A strange look?_ By then, Justin and Zhengting had finished eating and gone off to watch a movie on Zhengting’s laptop, so only Euiwoong had witnessed the exchange between the two. Hyeongseob was a little confused, his movements stopped and the spoon in his hand stilled halfway to his mouth. On the opposite side of the table Seunghyuk’s eyes bore into his own, worry glinted in those brown pools and he said nothing while in his attempt to study Hyeongseob even further.

“I’m really fine.” To Hyeongseob’s dismay, his voice came out a little weaker than intended, prompting the other’s eyebrows to knit together in concern. But Seunghyuk didn’t say anything after that. From the corner of his eye, Hyeongseob saw Euiwoong look at him—he couldn’t read his expression—and after a moment, got up and left the table with his plate.

“If you need to talk—I’m not doubting you right now,” Seunghyuk said slowly, “but I _am_ someone you can talk to.” He got up, and his hand reached for Hyeongseob’s plate gesturing to ask if he was done. Hyeongseob nodded, and let him take the plate. After that, he left, and Hyeongseob was alone at the table. He sat there quietly before getting up to leave, with Justin and Zhengting still sitting together, they paid no attention to Hyeongseob as he walked out.

After changing into his pyjamas, he looked in the mirror to check his appearance. His eyes were big and sad, and his hair tousled messily. The others had gone to their own respective rooms, and he was in his, turning the lights off and getting into his bed. The traffic noises from outside blared faintly, under the covers, Hyeongseob curled up like a worm and shut his eyes tight. He tried to remember the moments when Woojin held his hand, one by one, he attempted to focus and recall the details—the shape of his fingers, the colour of his nails. When the thoughts wouldn’t stay, Hyeongseob became exasperated, and a large part of him just wanted the day to be over. He wished for dawn to come quicker. Eyes still shut tightly, he felt his hands grew cold, and almost instantaneously, an upsetting awareness overwhelmed him. Perhaps, Hyeongseob thought, he’d been avoiding it far enough. _No_ , he said to himself, _no I don’t think I’ll be all right._ In the dark room, he wept. The distant noises of traffic never ceased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm back after so long :') I'm really sorry that I haven't updated in so long. To be honest, a lot has been happening, I've been getting so stressed because of school and some personal issues, it's been very overwhelming for me. I still know, as I did the first time I started writing, how this story will go and end. I don't plan on abandoning this fic at all, you guys will definitely see more updates in the near future! Please anticipate, and thank you for reading!
> 
> This update was meant to be a birthday present for my dear friend Riddy, but I'm sorry that it's late lol!! Happy belated birthday!
> 
> Also! If you liked any parts, or are wondering about something, please ask!! I love reading your comments!


End file.
